The entire land, since the dawn of time, had been ruled by only one fearsome leader – a 500 pound Mega-Ox called Drago.
Drago, standing tall at a perfect seven foot nine inches, possessed something in his genes since birth called A Physical Trifecta. That means he had the most perfect bone structure, delicious, tight hind quarters, silken locks, and enough strength in him, always, to fight off every animal for weeks at a time without a break.
“My, oh my.” said Drago one afternoon, ripping into a lion’s neck. “It really is tough at the top. Imagine what my life would be like if I wasn’t this tall, bold and handsome. Ha-ha-ha. I would be a doomed little soul, wouldn’t I? Oh yes I would. Just like this wee lion cub here.”
Drago, amused by this realisation, laughed once to himself then feasted proudly into the little lion’s lifeless body like it were a snack. The lungs, the liver, the paws, the jaws, even the stringy bits attached to the eyeballs, yes, all of it went down real easy for Drago,
like a good soup,
right in front of the boy’s mom and dad, who had to watch on, in horror, from a safe(ish) distance.
“He was our only son, Great Drago.” said the weeping mother. “Please spare even a small bit of him so it may comfort my immense grief. Please.” she said. “Just a bone or two. That is all I ask.”
The giant Ox laughed again, louder this time.
“Are you kidding me, lady.” he roared. “The bones are the best part. Your boy is dying real well here today and trust me when I say that he is DELICIOUS.”
This grim reassurance from Drago did not comfort the child’s parents at all. Not one bit. In fact, it did quite the opposite by causing even more grief, tears and heartache.
Drago, as much as he tried, could not understand this behaviour.
It would cause him great stress for a while as he stood there picking lumps of half masticated flesh out of his teeth.
“Some animals.” said Drago. “Need to realise that life is unfair. At least, for them. In this life, everything is all about me all of the time. That is exactly why I can take a child cub away from its parents on a random afternoon like this, and eat it for my tea.” Laughing his head off now, the Great Ox said “It’s called the food chain. And guess what, it…must…be…obeyed.”
That night, when all the land was quiet and a fresh dew had settled nicely upon the leaves and the trees, a great howling commotion was suddenly heard, as loud as anything, coming from the depths of Drago’s castle.
“Oh my goodness.” said a sloth in a tree. “What in God’s name is that horrifying sound? I can hardly bear its unrelenting screeching quality.”
“I don’t know.” said a passing mosquito, blood dripping from his sucker. “Whatever it is, it sure is annoying. There are animals trying to sleep around here.”
“I do hope Lord Drago is ok.” said one clueless young sheep, to which a fat cow quickly replied “I hope to hell he isn’t. That heart of his.” she said. “Is so full of evil and gluttony, I reckon myself it has started to explode on him, right in the middle of his chest, and it’s ABOUT TIME.”
And then she said “Mooooooo.”
One by one after that, each of the animals started to wake up and assemble themselves at the base of the main hill at the edge of the plain. They were looking up at the castle now, holding one another, and had terrible fear stretched across each of their faces.
“What is going on up there?” a porcupine asked. “If you look carefully, you can see two extra shadows, big things, hopping around the walls of the main room.”
From there, the screeching continued. It was a horrible, wailing sound by now. One that went B’LAWEEK. B’LAWEEK. B’LAWEEK. You know the noise a pretty little deer makes when it’s eaten alive by a couple of chimps?
Well, it was kind’a like that.
“What d’ya say we go up and investigate the situation?” said the honey-badger. “I reckon I’ll be able to take these guys whoever they are. In that pursuit.” he said. “I am always very, very fearless and very, very brave. You wanna know why?”
“Coz you’re a honey-badger, Karl. We get it.”
“No, no, no. You’re supposed to say WHY?, and then I say BECAUSE I AM A HONEY-BADGER. And then we all make a…OH FORGET IT.” he said, and he dropped his little head. “Are we going up or what?”
The screeching across the land had become unbearable now. So much so that all the small cubs had started to grab tightly onto their mother’s legs, saying: “Please mother, protect us, we are very very scared now and want to go back to our cozy beds more than anything.”
“Please mother, help us.” they all said.
“Please.”
“Please.”
“PLEASE.”
The great elephants, all nine of them, big and strapping, trundled forward and said “LADIES, PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN. WE, THE ELEPHANTS, WILL LEAD THIS CHARGE UP THE HILL TONIGHT. WE WILL RESOLVE THIS MATTER AND COME BACK SOON, SO YOU MAY SLEEP AGAIN.”
The ferocious looking Rhinos stepped forward soon after that, and standing by their elephant brothers, they said “YES. WE WILL GO TOO.”
The foxes came forward and with triumph in their voice, they said “YES.”
The squirrels…“YES.”
The ferrets too, they all said “YES.” All one hundred of them. So did the parrots, the eagles, the tigers, the raccoons, the pelicans, even the tiny little mice among them, they all said “Yes. YES. YES.”
And so…they did.
Standing side by side, and using all their power and grace, the animals marched their way up the scary, jagged hill towards King Drago’s castle. This was a dangerous experiment, as no animal had ever dared to venture up this far before.
They would not dream of it.
The screeching then grew so loud, to such an unbearable scream, that all the mosquitoes, wasps and butterflies suddenly started to swell up like balloons and explode.
“POP. POP. POP. POP. POP.”
The other animals would watch on at this, totally horrified, as their little airborne comrades blew to bits then fell to the ground like lifeless, gooey blobs.
But that didn’t stop the noise. Oh no. In fact, the whole thing would start to get a lot worse.
B’LAWEEK. B’LAWEH. B’LA. B’LA. B’LAWEEEK.”
“WE MUST KEEP MOVING.” said the Lions and the Tigers. “WE OWE A DUTY TO KING DRAGO. WE MUST MAKE SURE HE IS ALRIGHT.”
“Well.” said the mother lion. “I hope, when we find him, he has two big spikes jutting out of his eyes. That would fill my heart with joy.”
“But…that would mean he is dead, m’lady.” said one of the baboons, scratching his head.
“Precisely.”
“Why on earth would you want him dead?”
“Because he ate my son you fool.” she said back, snarling. “What do you expect me to do you silly little monkey.”
“Fair enough.”
Soon after that, a big, nasty storm came in and pissed down HARD onto the animals with some of the heaviest rain they had ever seen.
Splish. Splash. Splosh.
There was thunder in the air now, and fork lightning, and hailstones the size of small cabbages. A land that was bone dry just moments ago, had quickly been turned into an undeniable slip n slide extravaganza, and because of this, the whole band of animals had started to doubt themselves, their skills and of course their mission. With all this water in their eyes, they could not see a bloody thing.
“Hey.” said one of the pregnant heifers. “There’s water in my eyes. I cannot see a bloody thing. And not only that.” she said. “My udders are starting to scrape violently along the ground and it hurts like a bitch. I’m not sure how long I’ll last to be honest. Pray for me.” she said, almost crying. “Pray for me and my baby, and of course my battered udders.”
When the animals finally got to the top of the hill, they were battered and bruised and worn out and totally exhausted by everything that had gone on, but that’s when the head elephant stepped forward and said “SEE! I TOLD YOU WE WOULD GET HERE EVENTUALLY. WE GOT HERE BECAUSE WE DID NOT STOP. WE HAD FAITH IN OURSELVES AND EACH OTHER AND KEPT GOING AS A TEAM. THAT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT THING AT THE END OF THE DAY. OTHERWISE, WHAT’S THE POINT.”
“What are you trying to say?” asked one of the pigeons with a clubbed foot.
“IT SHOULD BE FAIRLY OBVIOUS WHAT I’M SAYING.” said the elephant. “IF YOU, WEE PIGEON, CAN’T EVEN GRASP THE GENERAL MEANING OF WHAT I JUST SAID THEN I AM VERY WORRIED FOR YOU AND YOUR OVERALL STATE. TELL ME THIS LAD.” he said, leaning down. “ARE YOU FEELING OK?”
“Not even remotely ok.” said the pigeon. “I honestly feel like shitting myself and passing out. Good talk though.”
Then, out of nowhere, came another terrifying blast of noise from within the castle.
“B’LA. B’LA. B’LAWEEEK.”
Of course, after an immense fright like that, every animal jumped out of their skin and quickly searched around for somewhere good to hide. But get this, there were no places to hide.
And definitely no place good.
The animals were now perched on open ground, outside a monstrous castle, at the top of an even more monstrous hill, in the pissing wet rain, with thunder and lightning happening all around them. Their chance of finding shelter was very slim or simply –
Out of the question.
“WE MUST NOW GO INSIDE AND END THIS NIGHTMARE FOR ONCE AND FOR ALL.” roared the tigers, the lions and the elephants. “AT LEAST WE WILL HAVE SOME SHELTER IN THERE, EVEN IF WE DIE LOOKING FOR IT.”
With the screeching utterly intolerable now, the animals quickly huddled themselves together into one big, disproportionate group and after a countdown from three they ran as fast as they could and burst straight through the big castle doors which fell to the ground without an issue. They were all inside now, every single one of them, and they leaped with joy as they never thought they’d get away from all that cold and rain.
“That’s strange.” said Cyril, the one-legged badger. “It’s weirdly quiet in here, isn’t it. Have I gone deaf or something?”
“You haven’t gone deaf at all.” said the skunk, squeezing the rain out of his tail. “I can hear it too.”
“There’s also a God awful smell in here.” said the antelope. “What is it I wonder.”
“IT’S A BIG PILE OF POOP.” said a cheerful fly, hovering over the big steamy mess. “I am so happy I could cry.”
Out of his mind with excitement, the fly quickly swooped down into the mess and started rolling around like there was no tomorrow.
“YES. YES. YES.” he said. “Isn’t this wonderful.”
An eagle named Doug stepped forward and asked the question everyone else had to ask, which was “How the hell did you make it up here alive when all of your other buddies died? I don’t get it.”
The fly laughed a big laugh and said out loud “Because, believe it or not Doug, I have a brain. You see, those clowns didn’t think for a second to maybe cover up their ears when the noise got really bad. But guess what.”
“What?”
“I did. And here I am now rolling around in the biggest most sensual pile of dung I have ever seen in my life. Isn’t it a beautiful thing? I think it is.”
“Wow.” said the panda. “I didn’t know flies had ears. Congrats man. You enjoy the heck out’a that poo.”
The other animals weren’t lying when they said it had gotten quiet in here. Strangely enough, at this point, things had gotten very quiet and very solemn, very fast.
“King Drago.” shouted one of the elephants. “Are you ok? We heard a commotion and thought we might come up and check on you. Please don’t kill us and do icky things to our remains. We just wanted to know that you are ok.”
Suddenly, a huge eruption could be heard from the next room over. It consisted of a big loud screech “AHHHHHHH” followed by a deep, sassy voice that said “Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Seriously, I have never been so scared in my life. I just hate them so fricking much. I need an exterminator or something because this is ridiculous.”
That’s when he made his grand entrance into the foyer – The Great Big King Drago. Here he was, a big beast totally unaware of his guests, prancing around like a scared little ninny with a beautiful pink robe tied around his waist and curlers in his hair.
“Oooooh la la.” said the hippo. “What, or who, do we have here?”
The giant, muscly Ox froze on the spot, pinned his knees together and covered, with his hands, the spot on his groin where his balls used to be. The pigeons and the crows, even some of the eagles, had huddled together now on the elephant’s back and were laughing their heads off.
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU ALL DOING IN MY HOUSE?” Drago asked, shimmying backwards. “THIS IS PRIVATE PROPERTY.”
“Well those doors came off real easy.” said one of the tigers. “Apparently we were worried about you and had to come investigate the situation for fear you’d kill us or something, I dunno I’m tired.”
“You heard me screaming? I mean.” said Drago, voice trembling. “I have no idea what you are talking about.”
At this point, the fly on the other side of the room was so deep in an excrement party that he was borderline invisible to the naked eye. To properly see him, you’d have to have great patience and look really, really hard. The boy, whatever his name was, was totally oblivious now to everything that was going on around him. Some of the animals had started to watch him and in their hearts they felt a small beam of joy, not just for him and his pile of poop, but because that very sensation was something most of them hadn’t felt for a long time now, and good on him, they thought.
“He deserves as much shit as life can throw at him.”
With Drago almost backed into a corner now, the main male rhino slowly stepped forward and said “Well, we saw you from below, and from everything we saw you were in a real spot of bother with two other beasts. We thought you were getting murdered or something. Obviously not. As you know, a lot of animals hate you around here because you are not very nice.”
“HE’S A MONSTER.” screamed the mother Lion. “AN ABSOLUTE MONSTER.”
“But tonight.” said the rhino. “We, as the good creatures of this land King Drago, had to honour our duty and make sure you were ok.”
The rhino paused and with a bored expression spread across his face, he then said “So, are you ok?”
“He’s better than ok by the looks of it.” said one of the gerbils.
The rhino stepped forward again, and said “Tell us now King Drago, please. We are tired and in desperate need of our beds. Judging by the elements, it’s not long til sunrise and we, unlike you, have children at home who are scared and restless.”
Before Drago could speak a word, two tiny voices sprung up from the hallway. Following these voices up the hallway were two giant shadows, each with several giant legs and a gargantuan torso. The animals stood back and braced for conflict. A moment later, the couple entered the room.
“Seriously guy.” one of them said, in a thick Brooklyn accent. “We are just looking for a way out of here and you have done nothing, and I mean nothing, but scream at us since we got here.”
“He’s right. We really didn’t mean to scare you. You seem pretty clued in and to be honest, we wandered in here by accident.”
The little voices belonged to two tiny black spiders called Gerald and Max, two brothers on a trip around the land so they can make the most of mating season.
“But we can’t even do that, we’re stuck in here with this big, confused guy. And let’s be honest.” he said. “I have no intention of straddling my brother like I did last year. Yikes. You remind me too much of our pops.”
“You know you can though.” said Max in a whisper.
“What’s that?”
“NOTHING.”
Right now, the great king Drago was on trial and totally exposed in front of all the animals he claimed to rule, along with two horny spiders from New York.
“You mean, all that noise we heard down below, that wasn’t a murder happening?
“It was the loudest most disorientating sound we have ever heard.” said one of the pigs.
Max and Gerald laughed.
“Not at all. It was this guy. We wandered in through an opening in the roof and the moment he saw us he went batshit. So much so, he actually soiled himself over there on the carpet. Honestly we just want to go home or have sex with something and if there are no takers here I suggest we be on our merry way.”
All the animals looked at Drago. They had never seen him cower like that before so, for them, it was a nice sensation. When he couldn’t take any more of the shame, he quickly scurried away down the hall and they didn’t see him again.
Over in the dung pile, the fly, having the time of his life, suddenly popped up, and rubbing shit out of his eyes, he said “Hey yo. I’m hitting a real snag here in this guy’s shit. Did he eat a bunch of rocks or something? I can’t seem to get past it.”
Standing up slightly and investigating the mess, the fly said “What the eff is that?”
When all the animals looked over, all they could see, buried deep within the dung, were two dead half masticated eyeballs staring back at them. They’d study it for a moment with their heads slightly tilted before asking the question “What the heck is that?”
That’s when the mother Lion jumped up and screaming from the tippidy-top of her lungs, she said –
“JULIEN….MY BOY.”
