“My mother’s boyfriend, Jeffrey, or the ‘old man’ as I had to call him, was a different kind of strange – wasn’t he? The man, God bless him, over his long life had accumulated a lot of unsavoury habits. One which involved beating me through the floor, his only boy, every Saturday night after he came back from playing cards.”
The speaking man, tall and kind’a handsome, stopped for a moment, laughed then said: “Oh my, look at me going in for the kill from the get go, eh. Look at me dishing out the harsh truths for you all on this strange and funny day. Like any of you would’ve really known what the cunt was actually like. Honestly.” he said. “I don’t really care if you do or if you don’t, but, believe me when I say it – the man was an absolute monster of the highest order. A pig. A degenerate. A gambler. A cretin. An undisputed piece of cancer on the back of my ageing ballsack and yes, that you can believe.”
The speaking man’s name was Pablo, and at this point of the day, shortly after 2pm on a Sunday, all eyes were on him. That was the main event. The fact that his mother’s long-time lover was about to be lowered into the ground for the first and last time of his life was an almost secondary issue. The guy had everyone eating out of the palm of his hand. Such a good speaker that the people around him didn’t even notice it had started to rain.
And hard too.
“I hope it’s a fine and messy bog down there for you, Jeff.” he said, spitting down into the grave while others threw in a few red roses. “May the devil be with you forever and ever sir. And whenever I die, whenever that may be, if I meet you in hell, if there is one at all, I’ll honour my life’s duty and send you down to an even deeper version of it because that is all you deserve. And also.” he said. “The absolute cheek of you to go out the way you did. The disgust I feel in my heart right now knowing that you went out peacefully in this life and not roaring has put me well and truly at odds with a lot of things. You could have been driving too fast one day and wrapped yourself around a tree. That would have done the trick. But no, you had to go peacefully in your sleep didn’t you because God forbid you suffer.”
The whole place had gone quiet now. Around the grave, every man, woman and child was stood still – braced and listening. What was the next move? Moreover, where would the next rotten dig be coming from?
It seemed that the profanities on display were safe as anything in that…nobody objected.
There wasn’t anyhing at all.
Taking a deep breath in the man Pablo slowly blessed himself, said a quick ‘amen’ into his clasped hands and everyone in attendance politely followed suit.
“AMEN.”
“And might I just say.” he went on. “While I have you all here, that this is the finest, most proudest day of my clerical career to date. Please.” he said. “Do not be fooled by much. For it is as much in a priest’s interest to banish a soul to an unforgivable hell than it is to wish them into heaven, and today I stand by that logic. Always and ever by the right hand out our Lord, Amen.”
There was a stunned silence among the crowd. An odd cough here and there.
“Anyways.” he said, clapping his hands together. “There’ll be a lovely meal for you all in the hotel in about”…he checked his watch…”thirty minutes time. Come join us if you are not otherwise engaged as we would love to have you. All at the kind expense of our not so precious but dearly departed brother. Basically.” he said, half laughing and undoing his collar. “You can eat until you are fit to die.” Then the final blessing, rain getting heavier now…”In the name of the father, and of the son and of the holy spirit, Amen. Let us go in peace to love and serve the lord.”
“Thanks be to God.”
And the priest drove away.
